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I tght tmrw was Friday. I also tght yesterday was the 4th.
tired. Just getting home.
Did Zumba and 30 min cardio on treadmill this morning. Bkfast was wholewheat toast. Lunch was turkey sandwich. Snacked on bAnnana, Apple, almonds, raisins. Dinner was at a restaurant, got chicken, rice and yummy grilled asparagus. Off to bed now. May have a cup of coffee to accompany me.
Wow. What a day. Talk about emotional rollercoaster.
So I planned on going to the gym early this morning (5am) so that I could go to an early morning mtg. However I stayed up past 12am last night talking to my BF so needless to say I did not awake and promptly went back to sleep after the alarm went off. I woke up after 6 and decided that I for still make it to my mtg and wld just have to exercise after work. So I made my mtg and went to work. Although I planned to eat bkfast once I got to work that didn’t happen. I just had an iced coffee past ze and went back to w. French vanilla dreamer that was really too sweet. So that wasn’t the repeat start to ky morning.
So at work today this woman (not a co worker but someone who I see fairly regularly at my job) was woohoo rude to me. I cldnt believe it. Basically I wanted to ask her a question so I kept calling for her and she refused to look up. Mind you I was standing less than 2 ft away from her. So I gently tap her on her shoulder to get her attention (bc silly me, I was naive enough to think she just didn’t hear me) and she looks up and says @ok doing something” – and looks back down! WTF?? That was just so stank and unnecessary. I guess I also am irritated bc it was a black woman and for some strange reason I like to think that another black woman wldnt treat me like that. Especially in my profession when there are so few of us to begin with. We are supposed to be looking out for each other. This woman was significantly older than me too. You’d think she wld have some sense of wanting to be at the very least decent to a younger proffessional learning the ropes. But oh well, now I am not so naive and she won’t have to worry about me saying a WORD to her ever again. My co workers confirmed that this was a miserable woman and had been equally rude to them on the past – which made me feel better. But even if I know someone is an asshole – I don’t like being treated like poop! Without respect! I want everyone to like me, which I know is problematic.
So I had my lunch – the same sandwich I have been having for the past couple of days. I also are a bannana (that I usually wld have eaten at bkfast. But I noticed later on in the day, close to quittin’ time, that I was munching on my almonds and raisin snack with FERVOR and speed. I knew something was up. The only reason I stopped eating them was cuz I ran out of raisins (I cant eat almonds solo!). I also noticed during this time that I was NOT being productive and instead spying on my BF on the internet. Terrible I know. I just feel like a lot of his life is a mystery to me and although a lot of my questions abt him shld be answered shortly (I’m going to his hometown next week) I am angry and suspicious that it has taken over a year for me to meet this man’s family and friends. In any event I felt bad abt not getting my PILES of work done bc I was spying on someone who I’m supposed to trust – wish madn any event, I’m glad 5pm made me anxious and start to pop almonds and raisins like they were m&ms.
Thank God for 5pm! I stopped spying and left for Zumba! It was super fun!! Again!! It was just as great as it was on Sunday even though it was a totally different instructor with get different dance moves. I think this may be the beginning of a new addiction, although it wld be way healthier than my present addiction to my four favorite food groups – sugar, salt, fat and cheese (is that considered a fat??) Chaz I wish you liked Zumba!! It’s really a lot of fun.
After Zumba I walked over 40 blocks toward Grams. Got me a salad to eat at her house. I feel good today, its ending up a lot better than it started. Interesting that I feel hunger but know I won’t die from it if I don’t way right this second. I can wait untold I het upstairs. Just like when I get sleepy I don’t have to pass out like I have narcolepsy – when I’m hungry I don’t have to devour the first thing I see.in large quantities. I can wait until my planned mealtime and eat my planned food.
P.S. dear lord please help me resist the several (!) bags of hersheys kisses in Grams fridge. Amen.
SW with fruit for fast. Turkey on pita w swiss, sun dried tom and lettuce w mustard for lunch. Had some almonds and raisins as a snack. Have an Apple w me If I want to war it before dinner. Dinner will be leftovers – I have fish, baked and soggy (Wahh!) Eggplant, whole wheat pasta, broccoli And cauliflower to choose from.
Walked and jogged for 15 min each this morning. Felt good. I didn’t feel as HUGE and gross as I did yesterday in Zumba. That’s prob bc I wasn’t in front of a mirror. Also did 15 min of stairmaster this morning. Tght I wld pass out since I kept upping the speed. It wld be tragic if I passed out and tumbled off the stairmaster from exhaustion. But I’m sure also pretty funny 😛
Shredded wheat w fruit, 320 cal pasta salad. Dinner was fish eggplant and whole wheat penne w pesto and olive oil. Went to Zumba (fun!) And walked 2 miles on treadmill.
Hm. At drink 4. Texted the bf but he hasnt called me back. An irritated even though usually I wld have ignored his call anyway. Am at a club now hoping for male attention which is strange bc I have a boyfriend. Male attention validates me and I hate it.
How am I getting ehome? How am I getting up for church on the morning? I shld just leave now. He hasn’t called back. I’m convinced hes found someone new. Usually he wld have called/Texted back. I’m not even gonna call, don’t want my face cracked twice.
The impending slip up that is. I ate shredded wheat/bannana/raisins for breakfast. Then went to gym (treadmill, elliptical, still feel so heavy, boo). Then ran a bunch of errands – ate some pistachos and the yogurt that I packed.
Came home and cooked the rest of my chicken strips, peeled some sweet potatoes and baked em, and steamed some broccoli and cauliflower. The problem is the alchohol. I am going out tonight and I want wine. I figure since I basically skipped lunch – I can afford to drink wine tonight. But I know that its not healthy to skip meals, will lead to a slippery slope of going off my food plan and lower my inhibitions around food. But honestly – I don’t wanna give up everything!!!!! Sugar is my issue, not alcohol! Do I have to give them both up at the same time?? When I was on Jenny Craig they advised that I cut down on alcohol, but that if I did want some that I cut out fruits or snacks so that I could afford to have the calories in the alcohol. Sigh…
Well, I had a pretty substantial dinner w/the chicken, potatoes and veggies. I’m going to pack a plum (they were giving away fruit at the gym today!) and the rest of my pistachios to eat later tonight as a snack. That’s my plan. But I feel this lack of structure isn’t good for me. I feel vulnerable 😦 😦 😦
Please excuse the many typos in this blog. I often update from my touchscreen phone, which is difficult to type on. In addition it has predictive text which, instead of correcting my typos, produces hilarious substitutions (i.e. “thong” when I meant to type “thing”). Thanks for understanding.
I WANT TO CRY. JUST WROTE THIS LONG ENTRY AND I WENT TO PUBLISH AND IT DISAPPEARED! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!
No funny or insightful comments. Ugh. Life happens. Maybe I just needed to write that stuff out, doesn’t matter if no one else sees it.
Yesterday – walked 54 blocks. Ate my planned dinner. (Ate fruit cup of cantaloupe and melon for snack a couple of hours before dinner.)
Today – had shreedded wheat, raisins and bannana for breakfast. About to go to gym. Lunch will be a sandwich. Don’t know what dinner will be, have to think about that.
Went to gum yesterday, think I completed 3 miles of cardio.
Had shredded wheat, banana, raisins, yogurt, sammich, almonds and raisins. Then came dinner. Not terrible but not great…
Lobster salad, 3/4 of piece of medium sized cornbread, two glasses of Reisling. Pro: no binge, no trigger food. Con: alcohol and cornbread are very caloric. The two glasses of Reisling probably led me to eat that cornbread when I initially hadn’t planned to (I didn’t even order it! Ate it from my friend’s plate!!)
Now I still feel very full and heavy. I walked home last night after dinner (25 blocks) but still feel heavy. Going to keep at this.
Today: SW, raisins, bannana, sammich. (Forgot my yogurt in the freezer, will have to buy an Apple.) Dinner wi be my leftover from Wed night (asparagus, chicken, yams. I added some black beans since thee’s very little chicken left. Exercise: fail. Didn’t wake up in time for gym. Wore my sneakers to work bc after quitting’ time, ill be a walking fool! For two miles anyway. Toodles.
Today is day 4. I ate my meal yesterday without incident. Sweet potatoes came out really good, I think the trick is to not use too much olive oil. I cooked chicken strips (they were already made, just heated them up in saucepan) and made some asapargus. Ym. They were really thick stalks and I don’t think I cooked them long enough considering how thick they were but oh well. Still edible adn pretty tasty.
The troubling but enlightening new development – I had a BANGING headache yesterday evening and when I went to bed last night. Looked up “sugar withdrawwal symptoms” yesterday – bingo. It made me realize that if bingeing was wreaking havoc on my outward appearance – I can just imagine what its done to my insides! Headaches and all this other stuff I can’t even see and won’t realize until its too late. Really have to get myself together, this isn’t cute anymore . I went to the gym this morning – did over 2 miles (15 min walked on treadmill; 15 min jog; stiarclimbers were occupied so I went on the hands-free elliptical for 15 min). I felt good but HEAVY. And TIRED. And made the mistake of looking over at the girl runing on teh treadmill next to me and her numbers. I was sweaty mess at 4.8 speed while she was rocking and rolling at a 7.8 speed. Which brings me to my next issue – I believe I have body dysmorphia. I think i’m SMALLER and look BETTER than I actually do LOL. I’m constantly sizing up other women at the gym, convinced I’m not that much bigger than them or that I’m in as good of shape as them. Clearly I am not in the same class as this woman, 1/2 my size and running at 7.8 speed. But I can definitely work toward that.
Breakfast: Shredded wheat, 3/4 bannana, raisins. Check.
Lunch – made a turkey/swiss/mustard/sun dried tom/lettuce sandwich on toasted pita. Hope its better than my sandwich yesterday. The 4 sundried tom slices and hummus together were a bit overwhelming.
Dinner – meeting a friend for “drinks”. Urgh. I decided I can’ t drink this week. Well, I can’t drink today. Just for today. So I will just have dinner. This is one of my drinking partners from grad school and I fear I’m not very interesting or fun without a drink but – oh well. I’m gonna check out the menu, and committ to ordering a healthy dinner.
sereneinthecity 